he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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