I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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