I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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