How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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