Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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