Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
