his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I'm really busy with my period
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