Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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