I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
