just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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