pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
