tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
