youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
So many bounce houses so little time
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She needs sedatives and a leash
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You are the jesus of drinking
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Randomize
