So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
