i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
