I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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