I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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