You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
