Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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