It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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