Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
