i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
