I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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