I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
