...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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