Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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