I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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