Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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