how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
