Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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