I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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