Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize