I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
