Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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