Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize