you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
