There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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