You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
