Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
