he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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