I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
