Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize