i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
