I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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