Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
