I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
