Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
