And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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