dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
