don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
