Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
