i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize