you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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