My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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