in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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