i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
