Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
where are my eyebrows?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
