I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize