the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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